just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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