in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
