i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My life is pants optional.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
