you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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