Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize