I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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