dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
