Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
