Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have surprise drugs for everyone
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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