I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Pants are for mortals
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
