i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
