he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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