i love accidental penises.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We had sex on a dog bed..
my poor anus
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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