Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
