the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We had sex on a dog bed..
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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