and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
