His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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