whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize