just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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