I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize