I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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