I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
