if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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