so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
