I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
please don't ironically join a cult
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