i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
