I need to stop coming to work sober
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
