When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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