I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
