You're my little dorito
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
