all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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