I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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