she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
She said her name was "party"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Pants are for mortals
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
