I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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