dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
