I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
nutella sex= disaster
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
