Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
