all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
