NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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