Soap is not a condiment
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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