just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize