she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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