fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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