Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
