Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
