What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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