I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
