You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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