My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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