I accidentally burped into my bong.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
