dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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