its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
