and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
