Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
