I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
