He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
