i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
