my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize