I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
