I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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