when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
