I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
