Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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