hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
