He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
