My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Randomize
