Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
