We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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