This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
