True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
