trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Im part way to drunk.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
