she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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