so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
