Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
