I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
